Hey, y'all! I hope y'all have been having a great week! I'm sorry I have posted an actual blog in a week. It has been quite hectic and nonstop for me recently, but hopefully I'll have great news to share with you soon!
I don't usually put myself out there, but I think it's helpful to sometimes - helpful to me and hopefully helpful to others. Although I am an extravert, I struggle to talk about my feelings. It's actually really hard for me to talk about what's bothering me, as much as I talk.
For a while now, I have been struggling with my faith. Not doubting the existence of God, but doubting if He cares about me or hears my cry of help. After I made the decision that God doesn't care about me, I stopped caring. If He doesn't care, why should I?
I have built up a wall of envy, hate, and fury separating me and everyone around me. I complained about everything. I hated everything. I hated everyone. I made myself the person no one wants to be around. When I finally wanted to tear that wall down, I have already pushed everyone out of my life. I didn't have anyone but myyself to blame.
That just made me build my wall back up. Church, which was once my escape, started being a drag to go to. I didn't get anything out of it like I used to. I went because it was the normal thing for me to do. I lost passion in worshipping and learning about God.
In
the past month or so, I decided to slowly stop going to church. First
Wednesday nights, then Sunday School, then finally Sundays all together.
It was something that I have been pondering for a while. It was not a
sudden, out-of-the-blue decision.
I said that my youth group was the problem, but now I realized that it was me who had the problem.
Prayer was foreign to me. I couldn't remember the last time I said a real prayer to God. A prayer where I just let my mind breathe. I believed that God didn't care about me so why would I waste my breath to talk to him?
I want to say I lost my way and sight of who I was, but in all honesty, I didn't know who I was.
When I found myself spending the last few hours of 2013 in bed, alone, I knew I wanted to make a change. When I woke up at 1 in the morning realizing I fell asleep at 8, I knew I had to make a change.
It's cliche to make changes a New Year's Resolution, but it was what I needed to do. I devoted myself to follow my passion and put myself out there (hence this blog). I devoted myself to rebuilding my relationship with God. I devoted myself to knock the wall down for good. I devoted myself to just be happy.
Fortunately, I have been doing well with all of those things. I have bad days but who doesn't? I have been blessed with opportunities I would have never believed would happen to me. I have been blessed with an amazing God-loving mentor who supports me.
Throughout my struggle with my faith and God, I still talked to him every now and then, whenever I wanted. That was the problem. I picked and chose when I wanted to converse with God. To rebuild my relationship with God fully, I had to just shut up and listen to Him. And I did.
I made myself believe that God wasn't listening to my cries or my prayers. But I wasn't listening to what He had to say. What He wanted for me was different than what I wanted for myself. I knocked down doors that He had closed and locked up for a reason. I learned that the hard way.
You can never stop growing your faith. Your walk with God never ends. It's ongoing. Although, we will all stray - we are human after all.
I'm glad I made the decision to come to my youth group's winter retreat. I took all my youth leaders for granted. They have been there with me through everything and I neglected them. Yet, when I walked in the door today, I was welcomed with open arms.
I have already learned a lot in the several hours since I arrived - about me and about God.
I'm sorry this wasn't a fashion post, but I'm glad and thankful you read it to the end anyways.
I'm also sorry if this blog post was all scattered as well.
It's okay to just wake up, throw on your favorite sweatshirt, and enjoy your day. No make up required, just a vulnerable heart and an open mind.
xoxo, Christine
